I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
