mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
