If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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