i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
