She said her name was "party"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
