Just fell off a train. Bad.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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