I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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