good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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