my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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