SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
