I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
