I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
