John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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