new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
