90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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