Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
