I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
