don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
