sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
