An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I still have a little drunk in my system
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
