Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
