apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
