And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
