I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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