Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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