Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
