My liver just broke up with me...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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