you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I could fuck to npr.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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