tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
