every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
