Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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