she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
