Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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