He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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