I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
