My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
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