i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
