its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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