I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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