I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
