I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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