I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
