Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
