a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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