I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
