I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
