you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
