so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
