someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
