I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
