she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
